And I'd Give Up Forever to Touch You
by Boyfrom0z
Summary: Song fic off of "Iris." Castiel falls from grace to try to be with Dean, but Dean doesn't react the way he'd hopped. Desteil. Rated for guy/guy and mild implications.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Song fic based off the Goo Goo Dolls song Iris. If you don't understand that reference, go look it up because it's amazing._

_Written as a one-shot, but I'm posting it in short chapters because that's more organized... or something... Anyway, I've been trying to write a Destiel fic of a descent length for a while and I finally came out with one that I can bring myself to publish so I hope you like it._

* * *

Castiel had never dreamed it would end like this.

Or begin, depending on how you looked at it.

"How do you do it, Anna?" he asked.

"Do what?"

"Let go – completely."

"You mean, how do you fall," she said.

"Yes."

"Just that, you let go. You just let yourself go."

"And what? I'll be a child? I can't."

"You don't have to be a child. I'd say Jimmy's pretty much gone by now. All you have to do is let Heaven go and embrace mortality."

"That's it?"

"That's it. And your grace will probably end up somewhere on Earth." She shrugged.

"Thank you."

"If you don't mind my asking, why are you doing this?"

"It's the only way."

"The way to do what? I don't see how losing your powers will help solve anything."

"I'm losing them already. I've been getting weaker for months. It'll be over soon anyway; I can feel it. And this way I lose the rules."

"Of Heaven?"

"Yes."

"I must say you got me curious, Castiel, but I suppose it's not really my business."

"No."

"Well, I hope mortality suits you."

He nodded and she vanished with a flutter of wings.

Castiel took a deep breath and fell.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean peered through the peephole of the motel room door and threw it open.

"Since when do you knock?" he asked. Then he saw the state of the man on doorstep. "Cas? You Okay? What happened to you, man?"

"Life."

Castiel looked a real mess. He was sweaty and dirty, leaning against the doorframe to keep from collapsing to the ground.

Frowning with concern, Dean supported Cas into the dingy motel room and helped him sit down on the nearer of the two beds.

"Seriously, though, what happened to you?"

"Life happened."

"Life?" Dean stared at him blankly for a moment and then he understood. "No," he whispered. "Cas, you didn't."

Castiel nodded.

"Why?"

"It was the only way."

"The only way to what?"

"Dean, I was losing my powers. Being cast out of Heaven-." He shook his head. "It would have come to this eventually and it probably would have been worse. And this way..." His voice trailed off and he looked away.

"What?"

"This way I'm free from Heaven."

"Weren't you before?"

"Not entirely. But I am now."

"So what? What does that mean?"

"It means I can do this," said the former angel and he kissed Dean.

The door opened and Dean jerked away.

"Whoa!" cried Sam, half raising the file he'd obtained from the local police as if moving to shield his eyes.

"That was all him, man," said Dean, looking totally freaked and leaping as far away from the bed as possible.

Castiel remained still. He hardly had the energy to move anyway.

"What the hell did I miss?" asked Sam, closing the door, but remaining by it.

"You missed this idiot turning human!"

"What? Why did you do that?"

"So he can kiss me, apparently."

"What the hell?"

"Don't look at me!"

Sam looked at Cas instead.

"Cas?" he said, uncertainly.

Castiel sat staring at his shoes. He had thought Dean felt something for him, he really had. He supposed it just showed how little he knew about human emotions.

"I should go," he said at last. He got unsteadily to his feet and left the room before either brother could stop him.

"Let him go," said Dean quietly, when Sam made to follow Cas.

"What?"

"Let him go; he needs space. He knows where we are. He'll be Okay." Dean crossed to the bed Cas hadn't been sitting on and sank onto it, shaking slightly.

"So what was that?"

Dean just shook his head, although he knew perfectly well what it had been. He'd known for months that Cas loved him. He wished now he'd said something to stop him from doing such a rash and stupid thing.

"Well, I got the file. Took me for freaking ever, but I got it. I'm gunna take a shower." Sam knew his brother needed space as well.

When Sam had vanished into the bathroom, Dean let himself fall backwards onto the bed. Had Cas really fallen from grace for him? Had he really given up everything and become mortal just to kiss him? Even just once? Dean felt terrible. How could he have let this happen to Cas? Dean had seen Hell and through Cas he had almost glimpsed true Heaven and now Castiel had as good as died for him – for real this time, for keeps – and he had done nothing for the now-former angel. He bit his lip and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, wondering what he should do.


	3. Chapter 3

_Ok, I guess I lied about the _short_ chapters thing. Sorry about that. ._

* * *

Castiel leaned against the rough wall of the alley beside motel. He had been so sure Dean cared about him. But it was too late now. He thought about those few moments when he had been kissing Dean. He had given up everything for those moments. Had they been worth it? Yes, yes they had. He could not answer the question any other way. And Dean hadn't pulled away immediately, only when Sam had returned. Maybe? But no, it was futile to hope – beyond futile. It was dangerous. Hoping again would only lead to more pain, more heartbreak.

He pulled the archangel blade from his coat and looked at it. It was nothing to him now. Worthless. Useless. Still, he gripped it tightly in his right hand, shoved up his left sleeve and pierced his skin with the silver tip. It hurt and blood began running down his arm, but nothing more happened. He had truly fallen. If he'd had any angel left in him, the wound would likely have killed him.

Castiel tossed the useless thing aside. It clattered away across the pavement. He watched the blood running freely down his wrist and over his hand, dripping off the tips of his finger. The sight was so _human_. Of course, he'd been injured before. His vessel had been beaten and bloodied many times, but this was different. This was _his_ blood now, _his_ pain.

Everything was so broken.

Castiel felt something he'd never felt before. A stinging in his eyes and then a wetness on his cheeks and he was crying. He was crying. Not for the pain of his wound, not even for the pain of what he had lost, but for the pain of his heart, the pain of Dean's rejection of him. He just wanted to curl up in a little ball and die. And for the first time in nearly forever, that could be arranged. He could die. And not from a holy blade. He could die from neglect and heartbreak.

But he did want one other thing. He wanted Dean. He did not even want Dean to love him; he just wanted Dean to recognize him. He didn't want Dean to acknowledge all the sacrifices he'd made for the human, not even this final one; he wanted Dean to acknowledge _him._ He couldn't explain it, but he wanted it so badly.

The blood dripped from Castiel's fingers and he felt weak, not because of the injury, but because falling and then finding Dean the old fashioned way had drained him of his energy. For the first time, he wanted to sleep. He wasn't even sure he knew how.

Castiel looked up wirily at the sound of footsteps.

"Cas?"

Dean Winchester stood silhouetted in the mouth of the dark alley and Castiel felt himself die inside a little more.

Cas did not watch as Dean walked down the alley to meet him.

"Cas, you're bleeding," Dean exclaimed.

"I know," he replied tiredly.

"Cas," said Dean quietly, not looking at the other man, "I'm sorry."

"This isn't your fault, Dean."

"Not about this. Not that I'm not sorry about this. But I meant about earlier. I'm sorry I freaked. I just didn't want Sammy to-. You know."

Castiel looked up at Dean uncertainly.

"I do care about you. I really do. You know I do, but-." He looked away, uncomfortably.

"I understand." Dean could never want him the way he wanted Dean.

"Cas, you're-." Dean ran his fingers through his hair, struggling to find words to describe what the former angel meant to him. "You're Heaven to me."

Castiel laughed wryly.

"You don't know Heaven, Dean. Trust me, it's not all that great."

"Fine, the human _idea_ of Heaven, then, but that's not the point. Cas, you're- you're-." _Everything I want_. Could he say it? Was it even true? "But Sammy. For him, I've got to-. I've got to be who he needs me to be. That's why I can't do this. And yeah, it was a little sudden, but-."

"Just stop, Dean. The excuses only make it worse. I get it, Okay?"

"Let me help you then. What can I do?"

Castiel opened his month to say "nothing," but instead he said, "Recognize me."

"Recognize you?" echoed Dean blankly. "What, you mean everything you've done for me, for us? I know, Cas, and I'm sorry I never-."

"That isn't what I mean," he said quietly. "It doesn't matter what I've done. I don't care. I can't care. I mean _me_, Dean. Just give a crap about who I _am_."

Dean stared at Castiel for a moment.

"I do," he whispered. Dean looked away, his eyes roving over the dirty ground, seeing the abandoned blade and the small pool of blood that had dripped from Cas' hand.

He pulled a wad of crumpled but clean paper napkins from his pocket and took Castiel's hand, gently stemming the flow of blood. Cas watched him in frozen silence as Dean tenderly held the napkins to the wound. The paper slowly stained scarlet, but Dean kept holding Castiel's hand and pressing the napkins to the wound. Castiel watched Dean tend to him and then slowly raised blue eyes to green. Dean could see tears in the other man's eyes.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I wish I could do this, but I can't. I just can't."

"Why? Because of Sam? Or because of me?"

"Because everyone I love dies." Dean hadn't meant to say it, but the words came out of their own accord and Dean knew they were true – or at least he believed them to be true.

"To die for you would be nothing."

"But I don't want you to die for me. I don't want anyone else to die because of me. I- I need you, Cas," he finished in a choked whisper. "I don't want to lose you."

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you do one thing for me?"

"Anything."

"Be honest. Just tell me what you feel."

"I don't know. I wish I knew, but I don't."

"Yes you do," said Castiel patiently. Even when he'd only had half-baked angel emotions he had known what he felt and now that he was awash in fully-fledged human emotions he knew it even more.

Dean swallowed and his eyes met Castiel's.

"I love you, Cas."

He truly hadn't been expecting that. Castiel had already convinced himself that Dean could not possibly return his feelings and the confession came as such a shock that he could not speak.

"I love you. I really love you," Dean babbled in shock, more to himself than to Castiel. "Holy crap, I'm in love with you. That's what I've been trying to say this whole time. How did I not realize this before? I mean, I knew I cared about you and shit, but I didn't think I was really _in love_ with-."

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop talking."

Castiel reached his good hand around Dean's head and drew the human to him, their warm lips meeting in a gentle, yet electric kiss.

Yes, falling had been worth this.

When they drew apart, both men were smiling shyly.

"So Cas, are we, uh-?" Dean began, but a shout cut him off.

"Hey Dean! You out here?" called Sam.

"Yeah. What is it, Sammy?"

"You might want to see this."

Dean looked at Cas and shrugged before following his brother's voice into the parking lot, Castiel right behind him. At the mouth of the alley, Dean saw exactly what it was that had Sam's attention.

Growing from the middle of the parking lot was a huge tree. The asphalt around its massive trunk was crumpled like paper and the Impala was lucky enough to be nestled between two dark peeks. Other cars had not been so fortunate. From the base of the tree was a warm, bright glow.

"What the-?" gasped Dean as he walked along the edge of the building to where Sam stood staring at the tree.

The two brothers stood side by side gaping at the gigantic tree. Then they turned as one to stare instead at Castiel, who stood innocently at the mouth of the alley, holding the sodden napkins to his still bleeding wrist.

"I think you dropped something," said Dean at length.

"Man, we can_not _stay here," said Sam, running his fingers through his hair.

Castiel began picking his way over the shattered asphalt to the tree. He bent low over where the light was emanating from and examined its source, which seemed to be in a crevasse at the tree's base.

"You find it?" called Dean.

"Yes."

"Are you gunna-?"

Castiel stood up, shaking his head, and made his way carefully over to where the two brothers stood.

"Sam," he said calmly. "Would you excuse us for a moment?"

"Are you bleeding?"

"It is not of import. If you would?"

"Sure. Whatever." Sam cast Dean a questioning glance and retired to the motel room.

"So what's it gunna be, Cas?"

"Dean, I have to explain this to you. If I-," he sighed. "If I go back to how I was, I can't be _with_ you."

"What do you mean? You don't mean you'll leave?"

"No. But we can't be _together._ We have to be the way we were before. Do you understand?"

"What? Angels can't kiss?"

"No. Not you anyway."

"Angels can't be gay?"

"Angels can't love humans. Or they can't be with them at any rate."

"Oh."

"Yes."

They stood in awkward silence for a moment.

"Can't you wait? You know, put it in a jar and take it with us?"

Castiel actually smiled.

"No. It doesn't work like that. It's not safe to leave it like this. Remember what happened to Anna's? _Someone_ will come for it and we don't want to be here when they do. Someone might already be coming."

"So what? We book it out of here?"

"Dean," said Castiel with a sigh. "If I take it back, there's a chance my powers, _all_ my powers, will be restored to me. I would be much more of an asset to you and Sam."

"I don't want you as an _asset;_ I want you as a-." Dean stopped himself.

"I'll do whatever you want, Dean. But you have to understand, I can't help you like this. I don't know how."

Dean nodded and sighed. He did not want to lose what he had just found with Cas, but on the other hand he had to look out for Sammy. Hell, he had to look out for the whole damn world. They needed Castiel's help. But how could he ask Cas to take it back? After everything Cas had done for him, how could he ask even one more thing of him, let alone something of this magnitude? His eyes roved over the ruined parking lot.

"Cas," he said at length. "I can't ask you to do this."

"But you want me to."

"No. No, I don't want you to. But it's so much bigger than me now. What I want doesn't matter."

"You're right. It would be selfish." Castiel started to move away, but Dean snatched at his sleeve, holding him back. "Dean. This cannot wait."

"Half an hour?" he asked, his eyes moving towards the Impala.

Castiel almost smiled again. "No. I can't jeopardize you and Sam."

"Fifteen minutes? Ten? Five? Come on, Cas, give me something."

"Fine," said Castiel, breaking easily.

Dean slid his hand into Castiel's and together they clambered over the asphalt to the trunk of the tree. Thankfully, it was late so no else had noticed the giant tree yet, but it was only a matter of time.

They stood at the base of the tree, bathed in the warm glow of Castiel's grace. Dean ran his hands over Cas' chest and then, with sudden, needy passion, grabbed the lapels of the familiar trench coat and jerked Castiel to him, their lips meeting in an explosion of human emotion. Dean pushed Castiel against the tree, their bodies pressed together as each man tried to fit all his desperation and love and need and caring into this one, desperate kiss.

When they pulled apart, Dean's face and hair were smeared with Castiel's blood. They looked at each other for a long moment.

"I don't want you to do this," said Dean in a low, pleading voice.

"I don't want to do it, but I have to. We both know I have to."

"When this is all over-?"

"It's never over, Dean."

Dean closed his eyes and looked away. It hurt too much.

"Tell me to do it."

"What?"

"Tell me to do it."

"But I don't want-."

"I know, but you have to. Because I have to and I don't know if I can."

"Okay," said Dean after a painful moment.

He stepped close to Castiel and took his hand, intertwining their fingers.

"Do it, Cas," he whispered. "Take your grace back." He squeezed Castiel's hand and felt the soon-to-be angel's fingers tighten around his own.

Together they knelt. Dean had to close his eyes when Castiel's grace came into full sight, but he was guided by the hand in his. With his free and bloody hand Castiel reached out and, with a last, bitter, longing look at Dean, touched his grace.

Dean was basted away from Castiel as the grace coursed through him. Through his closed eyes, Dean could see the brilliant light blazing from the angel, but then it diminished and he cautiously opened his eyes.

Castiel stood by the base of the tree, straightening his trench coat calmly as if nothing had happened. Dean got carefully to his feet and slowly raised his eyes to the angel's face, fearful of what he would, or more importantly _wouldn't_, see there. At first, he thought his worst fears had come true. Cas no longer loved him. But then he looked deeper into the blue eyes and saw the pain he knew his own green ones were echoing back.

"It is done," said Castiel. His wound had closed and the blood had vanished. He looked fresh, new, and yet no different.

The pair walked in silence across the rough terrain that had been the parking lot. Castiel vanished from Dean's side for a moment and returned, tucking the archangel blade back into his coat. Then, with a wave of his hand, he smoothed the asphalt back out again, though the tree remained. There was not much he could quietly do about that. Without saying a word, he turned to the motel room where Sam was waiting for them. Dean followed glumly along behind him.

"What did-?" Sam began when they entered, but one look at Castiel told him everything. Then his eyes slid to his brother and he realized there was a lot more to "everything" than he had first thought.

"So how do you feel?" Sam asked the angel.

A shadow of emotion flickered across Castiel's features at Sam's somewhat unfortunate word choice. He looked Dean's younger brother up and down slowly, taking in the bruises and half-healed cuts that peppered his body. He was still shirtless after his shower and he looked tired and beaten back. The angel crossed to the human and raised two fingers to his forehead. When he lowered his hand moments later, there was not a scratch on Sam's body.

"So pretty good?"

"You two should leave this place. It isn't safe for you here."

"He's right, Sammy," said Dean shakily.

Sam nodded and within five minutes they were out the door and driving away in the Impala.


	4. Chapter 4

Several nights later, after they'd stopped again and had settled into a motel even seedier than the last, Dean's phone rang.

"Cas?"

"Dean. Where are you?"

Dean told the angel their location and waited, but Castiel did not appear.

"Are you coming?"

"Not right now. I just wanted to know where you were in case I needed to find you. Get some sleep, Dean. You need it."

"Sure. I'll talk you later then." He hung up.

"Is Cas not coming?" asked Sam.

"No, he just wanted to know where we were. I'm gunna hit the sack."

Dean soon sank into fitful dreams of Hell; dreams were Castiel never came to save him.

But then...

"_Dean."_

_The voice was calling from far, far away, but somehow he could hear it about the screaming of souls he tortured._

"_Dean."_

_No. No, it couldn't be._

_The air seemed to shimmer in front of him and there was Castiel, not as he would have been when he saved Dean, but as Dean knew him now, the fire not daring to lick his trench coat._

"_Dean. You don't have to stay here. Come with me." He touched Dean's forehead and suddenly they were in a field that, after a minute, Dean recognized as the field he had once parked the Impala in after he and Sam had had a fight. He looked around and sure enough there was his baby, stars reflecting in her polished, black hood._

"_I'm dreaming," said Dean slowly._

"_Yes," replied Castiel._

"_Is that really you, Cas, or just my dream of you?"_

"_It's me, Dean. I can find you in your dreams, remember?"_

"_I know." Dean turned and ran his hand over the cool metal of the Impala before sitting on her hood. "Why are you here, Cas?"_

_Castiel carefully climbed onto the hood and sat as far away from Dean as the limited space available to him would allow._

"_I think I may have found a way around this," he said slowly. "But sometimes you talk in your sleep."_

"_No I don't."_

"_Yes you do. I've heard you."_

"_You watch me sleep?" asked Dean, more than a little freaked out._

"_It's my job to watch over you, Dean. I don't like you having nightmares."_

"_Ok fine, but what does-? Oh." He thought for a moment. "_Oh_. I get it."_

"_Yes," said Cas tentatively. "But I'm not sure-."_

"_Then let's try," he said scooting closer to Castiel on the hood of the Impala._

_For a moment it seemed Cas was going to hesitate, but when Dean's hand lighted on his cheek, the human could feel the angel melting at his touch. Slowly, Dean guided Castiel's lips to his until they were mere centimeters apart._

"_What if you're wrong?" whispered Dean, his lips almost brushing Castiel's._

_The angels shivered at the feeling of Dean's breath on his lips._

"_Then, to put it your way, I am "fucked.""_

"_Should we?"_

"_Yes," replied Castiel in a whisper that was almost a moan._

_Their lips met and once again Dean knew paradise._


	5. Chapter 5

"You're cheerful," noted Sam the next morning as the prepared for the day's hunt.

"I got a good night's sleep for once," replied Dean with a shrug as he suppressed a grin.

"Yeah, I noticed."

"Oh?" said Dean, trying to sound casual and inwardly praying he hadn't been talking in his sleep again.

"Yeah, you weren't tossing or talking in your sleep or anything."

"Hm."

"How's Cas?" asked Sam abruptly as if trying to catch Dean of his guard.

"Cas? I dunno. Fine. Off hunting God, I suppose."

"Right."

Dean could tell Sam didn't believe a word of his bullshit, but he wasn't about to go into with his little brother.


	6. Chapter 6

Castiel saw the pair get into the Impala, Dean driving and Sam in the passenger seat, and felt somehow at peace. The world was falling down around him and God was still nowhere to be found, but something, some tiny thing, was right in the world.

Cas had Dean.

Dean had Cas.

He smiled, thinking of the human expression "have your cake and eat it too." He still wasn't entirely sure what this meant, but he thought he might have achieved this strange goal. He had Dean and could even be with him (even if it was only in Dean's dreams) and at the same time he had his angelic powers (or "mojo" as Dean called it) and so he could take care of Dean and his brother.

Yes, in the midst of all this chaos one small thing was right, better than right even.

Castiel have given up everything for Dean and then got it all back again and then some. He could hardly believe that this was happening, but somehow it was.

He watched the Impala pull out of the parking lot and shoot down the road. The black metal glinted in the bright morning light and Castiel remembered how it had sparkled in the starlight in Dean's dream. Sam and Dean were off to do what they did best and try to save the world while they were at it. Castiel shook his head, always amazed by the two humans. However, now what not the time for musing, now was the time for action. He reached into a pocket of his coat and drew out Dean's amulet. He gripped it tightly and, with a flutter of wings, vanished.


End file.
